oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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