Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
