someone owes me an orgasm
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
