I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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