i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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