dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Randomize
