why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize