Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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