I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
