I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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