just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize