areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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