GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
