Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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