God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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