If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
