I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
