We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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