I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
