you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
