you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
