You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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