It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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