I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
