he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
