Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to align my fucking chakras
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
