You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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