she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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