im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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