Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
