Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize