hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
