i already hear my dad disowning me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
