So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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