i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
