i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
