I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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