I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
where are my eyebrows?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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