i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
and you fell through a lawn chair
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
