I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
