hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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