I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
