pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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