I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
