I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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