listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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