just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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