I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
tell me about the eggs
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize