Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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