literally had 100 drinks last night.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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