I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
