My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
