If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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