please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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