I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm both gender and math confused
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
