I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize