Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
