i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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