I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
