Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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